the Rage Mage
Super Smash Bros. Ultimate is everywhere and everyone cooler than you is playing it and increasing their global rating online right now. Instead, you’re reading this because you fall for listicles every time.
“Visually striking, original, unforgettable, timeless, other stereotypical critic phrases.” -Pat, New York Times review of Beauty and the…
So a tiny paper weight from a 3rd-world country video game company was recently released and it set the internet on fire like so much dog crap in a big, runny paper bag. Ladies and leotards, the Nintendo Switch, a device so inflammatory it summoned the shock jocks and mouthbreathers from the dark recesses of their dimly lit parents’ basements to spew their bile and record close-ups of their in-grown hairs. The Switch, if you forgot to have your mom pay your internet bill, is the lovechild of John Podesta and Anthony Weiner, in other words, it’s a home system and a handheld, or as I prefer: a homewreck and a port-a-potty. For some reason, this is exactly what a world of over-privileged whiners needed for a punching bag.
Rage Mage Reviews! Ladies and gentlemen, NPCs of all ages: Prompto Argentum….
This rage-post is just one sentence long… because, as all you bottom-feeding, basement-dwelling, like-fishing bloggers know, the plebeians at Square Enix thought it was okay to get the entire gaming community all up in a hissy-fit of excitement for what turned out to be the ultimate example of lameness: that they’re going to be making a stupid Avengers-themed game, probably in the vein of the Lego Marvel thing, because let’s just come right out and say it: nothing is more appropriate for the Marvel brand than getting the shameless, angsty, pandering treatment from the same company that crapped out Final Fantasy XV in all of its fetch-questing, female-objectifying, open chit-chatty anti-glory, and after all, the cast of FFXV with monotone Noctis, dude-bro Gladio, anime-cliché Ignis, and professional whiner baby Prompto are the perfect archetypes for the whitewashed, mansplaining derpsters crowding Marvel’s list of C-tier…
“Everything you see under the sun and stars owes its very existence to the Balance. The wind and seas, the powers of earth and light, all that these do is well and rightly done in the equilibrium… but now, men hold the power to control the world.”
-Sparrowhawk
I only ate one whining man-child before it was my turn at securing my man-child machine.
This is what Tolkien would have wanted: a cheap button-mashing adaptation of a cheap cash-cow of his epic fantasy magnum opus. He’s probably rolling in his Catholic urn.
Nothing like playing a game based on a game that’ll make you start worrying about yourself.
Angry Birds, er… I mean Duck Hunt… was the game that no one wanted but everyone played, at least in North America.
“Some promises are meant to be broken.” -The Amazing Spider-Man 2 [tagline]
Rage Mage Reviews! Rather than getting a true Final Fantasy, drunken has-been…
