Not feeling the fa-la-la-la-las? Sick of decking the boughs? Well, too bad, because The Pixels is back with an annual holiday tradition sure to haunt you into a more charitable disposition, Scrooge! I present to you 12 Christmas video games (thanks for the help, ABXY and Iron).
These come in addition to the twin lists of 12 we created (here and here) over the past couple of years. Yes, there are really that many Christmas video games. If we’re going to liberally sprinkle the taxonomy of “Christmassy-thing” all over stuff as loose as Die Hard then you can oblige me another dozen games that are maybe admittedly only tangentially related to the best holiday.
Except for this first entry!
Santa Claus is Comin’ to Town
For someone who can purportedly see you whether you’re sleeping or awake, you’d think old Saint Nick would have a little foresight to dodge lousy licensed games at a glance, but nobody’s perfect. This bit of Wii shovelware is based on the iconic Rankin and Bass holiday special… no, not the mystical and weird Life and Adventures of Santa Claus. The one where he’s voiced by Mickey Rooney and deliberately endangers children with the law by planting contraband in their homes and leaving them to be caught red-handed, prompting herr Burgermeister Meisterburger (first time in my life I’ve had to spell that out) to burn all the toys in a bonfire, book-burning style. It’s not all a grim fairy tale, though. Kris Kringle does hook-up with a red-haired hottie who turns out to be the eventual Mrs. Claus and there’s also a Winter Warlock. Y’know. Tradition. Alright, so they made it up as they went along, one foot in front of the other.
The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause
He’s been Buzz Lightyear, Commander Peter Quincy Taggart, Tim the Tool Man Taylor, and a reviled conservative, but you’ve never seen Tim Allen as Santa Claus! Unless you saw the first two movies. In Santa Clause 3, Santa and Ice Man from Marvel’s X-Men wage endless proxy wars in the post-apocalyptic North Pole for the soul of Christmas, now renamed “Tree Day” in memory of the death of the last tree. Both regimes are caught in a race against time to possess the heart of George Bailey, capable of inflicting debilitating depression upon any foe with but the ringing of a bell. I dunno. I didn’t see the movie.
Hitman
Hitman’s penchant for stealth and violence is spot on for a day commemorating the act of breaking and entering as well as genocide (thanks for nothing, Herod). As it turns out, there’s a holiday mission where you the player as Santa 47 hunt down the Wet Bandits themselves of Home Alone infamy. I know I’ve been loose with plot summaries before but I’m not making this up!
Modern Warfare
Answering the age-old, child-like question of “What would happen if Black Hawk Down happened on Christmas Eve?”, Call of Duty forks up Christmas Crash. It’s a casual reskin of the Crash map in Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare. It’s not much but it’s the thought that counts.
Fallout 4
“Ho ho friggin’ ho”! It’s both humbling and assuring to know that Christmas will outlive us all. Long after we’re cold and lifeless underground like so many Jacob Marleys, Christmas will still be here. Not even a global nuclear war can stop it. So long as we have presents to give, warm fuzzies to feel, and hands to grasp, Christmas will live on in our hearts every December. Just ask Fallout 4. The friendly folk of Diamond City spare no expense decorating for the holiday, ushering those tidings of comfort and joy to all, man and mutant alike.
Dead Rising 4
Yeesh, these just keep getting grimmer and grimmer, eh? I’m trying my best here. Dead Rising 4 takes a break from smashing zombie brains to celebrate the Stocking Stuffer Holiday Pack, in which you dress as Father Christmas and smash zombie brains. You can even rock a reindeer-headed motorcycle that shoots lasers named “Santa’s Little Melter” and wield weapons such as “Candy Pain”. A little inelegant if not absolutely on-the-nose, but if you’re buying a game called Dead Rising 4 then you already know what you’re getting.
Bayonetta 2
Christmas is a holiday with many layers of religious and spiritual history, both Christian and pagan, like some kind of ancient supernatural onion, and so it seems most appropriate to remind you that Bayonetta 2, in which a paranormal femme fatale fights angels and demons on a Nintendo system, no less, is indeed a Christmas game. For one, it takes place during Christmas, just like Parasite Eve. For two, Bayonetta herself is spotted doing some holiday shopping. For three, what a Santa Claus this game sports!
Yakuza Kiwami
Why do we set up a pine tree in our living rooms? Why do we stuff wrapped gifts under it? What the heck even is a yule log? Christmas has some bizarre traditions that don’t exactly match up with the source material, let’s be honest, and many of our modern traditions can seem surreal and silly when you take a step back. Like having to pretend to like your family again. So what better series to tackle the strange holiday other than Yakuza, which itself seems to present a realistic world and realistic characters in the most surreal and silly ways imaginable? Yakuza Kiwami takes place during the Christmas season and apparently many of the games take place in December, as well. I’m not exactly sure. I can’t read Japanese.
Texting of the Bread
Hey, remember Typing of the Dead? …Anybody? If you’re the one who does, here’s Texting of the Bread to keep you warm, courtesy of ScrewAttack. Occupying the grievously under-utilized sub-subgenre of “typing horror game”, Texting pits wordsmiths against hordes of zombie gingerbread men. AVGN is in it if that’s your thing! If you’re stuck pretending your phone is the most important and interesting object on Earth at this year’s Christmas party, then consider checking this one out.
Cthulhu Saves Christmas
For many, Christmas time means taking a break from work with a little vacation time, but for Cthulhu, who never rests but merely waits dreaming, the world needs saving and only a vaguely draconian, anthropomorphic, cosmic deity-slash-cephalopod will do! Cthulhu now shares something in common with Ernest P. Worrell, in whose movies confederate flags mysteriously appear just as H.P. Lovecraft would’ve wanted. However, unlike Ernest Saves Christmas, Cthulhu Saves Christmas features the titular eldritch horror losing his powers just in time to save Santa from the clutches of the League of Christmas Evil (who I’m convinced is led by the Elf on the Shelf). You’ve heard of Elf on the Shelf, now get ready for Cthulhu on a… uh…
…
Dragon Quest X
And the 11th game on our list of 12 Christmas video games is Dragon Quest X! The best MMO you’ve (probably) never played is one I’m about to explain as if I, too, have played it! DQX, the Square Enix MMORPG that Japan is still keeping all to itself, boasts the second-best Santa behind Aloha Santa! Okay, maybe third best. I have to save a spot for Coca-Cola Santa. But Buff Santa, though! He’s an irresistible force of striated Christmas muscle, as unstoppable as Schwarzenegger absolutely nailing all his lines in Jingle All The Way. Buff Santa cannot be denied entry to your home (even if he’s been denied entry to the West).
Animal Crossing: New Horizons
ACNH may not have much imagination when it comes to celebrations, rendering beloved and historically complex holidays such as Easter into “Bunny Day”, Thanksgiving into “Turkey Day”, Mother’s Day into “Womb Exodus Day”, and my birthday into “your birthday”. The Winter event with which this list is concerned was transmogrified into “Toy Day”. Eh, it just cuts out the middle man and gets the point across. Despite having put in something like 600 hours on my own private island paradise, I’ve never actually played the game on Toy Day, time-traveling or not. I’m a busy guy around the holidays! What am I even missing? Digital festivities, free gifts from cat neighbors, catching snowflakes for crafting materials, shaking trees for free stuff? … *logs in*
And that’s the list of 12 Christmas video games! No bonus entry this year. You were naughty. Nonetheless, a very merry Christmas to you, happy holidays, and a happy new year!
If you’re hungry for more, check out last year’s and the year before’s lists here and here.
Red formerly ran The Well-Red Mage and now serves The Pixels as founder, writer, editor, and podcaster. He has undertaken a seemingly endless crusade to talk about the games themselves in the midst of a culture obsessed with the latest controversy, scandal, and news cycle about harassment, toxicity, and negativity. Pick out his feathered cap on Twitter @thewellredmage or Mage Cast.
