WTF is a Christmas garme
-@wrytersview
So this is Christmas… week and that means revisiting a post from last year about 12 Christmas video games to celebrate the season! Are there really Christmas video games? Yeah, there are. Depending on how you look at it.
For this list, I considered things like Christmas as a setting or date, Christmas decorations or characters, or, real low hanging fruit, licensed video games based on Christmas movies. So get your holly jolly act together and maybe consider playing one of these this holiday.
Have you played any of them yet? Have you played all of them?!
(note: this is not a ranked list, so don’t @ me)
#1. Christmas Carol
I was surprised to learn that there are actually multiple video game adaptations of Dickens’ immortal classic but I chose this Steam gem simply because it’s just so gorgeously rendered. It looks like it captures both Ebenezer’s opulence as well as the creepiness of the ghosts and spooks. But I can still probably safely say “the book was better”.
#2. Home Alone
Uglier than a Christmas sweater, Home Alone on the NES has Kevin McCallister running about his candy-colored house trying to outwit some seriously incompetent thieves. Too bad it’s an adaptation of the inferior Home Alone, but we can’t all be Home Alone 2.
#3. The 3rd Birthday
When your conservative relatives get together to sing Jesus “Happy Birthday”, be sure to remind them afterward that the most appropriate game to commemorate the occasion is The 3rd Birthday. This Squeenix shooter RPG follows in the very famous footsteps of Parasite Eve. Nothing says Christmas like body horror! And Christmas Eve is somewhere in there, too, sure.
#4. Batman Returns
You know what? I went back and watched Batman Returns recently and it really is too dark for kids. Maximum yikes. But–and it’s a big but–it does have Christmas in it and it wrestles with some of the darker themes of this time that we occasionally wrestle with: depression, isolation, corporate drudgery, and fighting gangs of evil motorcycle clowns. It does contain somebody losing their job. A lot of Christmas stories involve people losing jobs, come to think of it.
#5. Gremlins
Ever get so toasted on egg nog and brandy butter that you start to resemble C64 Gremlins? Let’s hope not! Don’t forget that Gremlins is a Christmas movie so that makes this licensed game about horrible little monsters tearing face and watching Snow White a Christmas classic.
#6. Super Mario Odyssey
Christmas is about joy, gift-giving, warmth, friendship/family, and generally being happy to be alive and I really can’t think of a single video game character that better exemplifies all of those traits than Super Mario himself. In Odyssey, he even dons the raiment of Saint Nick. Are Mario and Santa the same person? It’s not just a theory… it’s a GAAAAAAAAAAAAME THEEEEOOOOOOO–
#7. Xmas Lemmings
In the spirit of the Lemmings themselves, Xmas Lemmings (regionally known as Christmas Lemmings or Holiday Lemmings) was not just one game but several different games ranging from a short demo to a full standalone release. Yes! Miracles really do happen!
#8. Duke Nukem: Nuclear Winter
Christmastime can often be stressful what with screaming brats, bills to pay, and dealing with relatives, but Duke Nukem is there for you to help get those feelings out by blasting away the bad guys, including poor Frosty in the image above. Nuclear Winter was an expansion pack that didn’t take a billion years to come out. Santa was kidnapped and brainwashed by aliens working together with the Feminist Elven Militia… wow.
#9. Jazz Jackrabbit: Holiday Hare
Aww Jazz Jackrabbit! I remember Jazz Jackrabbit, hailing from a time when anthropomorphic mascots were in their absolute prime. Jazz was even green like a ninja turtle! Didn’t matter that this was kinda lame shareware. Don’t question the ’90s!
#10. Spider-Man: Miles Morales
The newest game on the list and one that I have not even remotely had the chance to play. But since PS5’s are so scarce, really nobody has! So here’s my fictionalized version: Miles just got a new girlfriend but he doesn’t know what to give her for Christmas so he takes a cue from a popular song and literally gives her his heart. Well, one of them. In a blood bag. Spiders have two hearts. Have fun Googling.
#11. Metal Gear 2: Solid Snake
Why does so much hardcore badassery go down on Christmas? Because Christmas is manly, that’s why. Solid Snake flexes into a mission to destroy Metal Gear D in Zanzibar Land on Christmas Eve. This is where Grey Fox’s battle to the death with Snake comes from, in case you were wondering.
#12. Rudolf The Red-Nosed Reindeer
Did you know that one of the most beloved animated Christmas classics of all time got a video game adaptation? The Rankin and Bass Rudolf glowed up on 3DS and frankly, it doesn’t look too bad from Santa’s workshop to the ostracizing elves. It’s a collection of mini-games that would make even the Bumble humble. Just remember, your worst and most humiliating traits will someday prove useful to the very people that despised you for years. Merry Christmas.
BONUS: Rogue Legacy
Eagle-eyed observers will note that Santa Claus flies through the background of Rogue Legacy, which begs the question… if Santa does the same trip around the world every year, is his life a roguelite? Does he perma-die after every trip? Does he get to upgrade his stats with the only permanent currency: cookies? Is the world actually procedurally generated?? I’m going to lose some sleep.
Red formerly ran The Well-Red Mage and now serves The Pixels as founder, writer, editor, and podcaster. He has undertaken a seemingly endless crusade to talk about the games themselves in the midst of a culture obsessed with the latest controversy, scandal, and news cycle about harassment, toxicity, and negativity. Pick out his feathered cap on Twitter @thewellredmage, Mage Cast, or Story Mode.
