“Super Mario Multiverse” – Hotel Mario (CD-i) by the Regional Exclusive Mage

Sleevenotes

I’ve attempted to play Hotel Mario on the Philips CDi several times now and have found myself falling into the same vicious routine on every single attempt. First, I cannot skip the opening cutscene no matter how much I want to. The animation is lovely, but seeing an intro telling me to read the manual rather than throw me straight into a tutorial level is rather jarring to say the very least! The general feel is that the game falls right into my comfort zone, wrapping me up in a warm blanket of Mario Bros wholesomeness.

That said, after losing roughly four or five lives to pressing every button other than ‘jump’, the game suddenly becomes so playable! The object is to close all the doors on each level in order to make progress. Simple but effective! Thinking about it on a screen-by-screen basis, I find myself enjoying the game in the same way I enjoyed classic arcade-style games of my childhood that I played on the Amstrad CPC. It’s enjoyable, in an off-beat and quirky sort of way!

However, the joy never seems to last. There are terrifically annoying issues that the game seems to throw up in order to impede progress. The elevators that switch directions, seemingly at random, can make creating a strategy for each level into such a chore – and jumping into enemies on the floor of the hotel above the one Mario is one… argh, don’t even get me started! Add to this the added frustration of ice-world controls, followed by the super-annoying cloud level, and you have a recipe for pure irritation!

To put this into perspective, I’ve chosen to present this experience through the medium of song. Unfortunately, my karaoke skills are seriously lacking, so if you could read the following lyrics to the tune of ‘Hotel California’ by the Eagles, that would be a huge help!

Lyrics

On a Mushroom Kingdom highway, two brothers appear;
Fresh smell of spaghetti in the atmosphere.
Up ahead in the distance, they saw a horrible sight:
A ransom note from their nemesis
Which they read with fright.

“I have hidden your princess
In one of seven hotels.”
Soon the brothers were thinking that
This could be heaven or this could be Hell.
Then the Bros broke the fourth wall and told me the way:
Turning straight to the camera,
I swear I heard them say…

Welcome to the Hotel Mario.
Such a lovely place, such a cosy nook.
If you need help playing Hotel Mario
“Check out the enclosed instruction book”

The first world was a treehouse, stages one to ten
Full of Goombas and Troopas, familiar friends.
How they waddled around, playing their usual roles:
So simple to beat if you could just figure out the stupid controls.

So I checked out the manual,
So pleasant to see.
And said ‘We haven’t had instruction books like that since about 2003!’
I went and closed all the doors and my score started to climb,
That’s when I realised this game was actually more like
Bomb Jack or Burger Time!

Welcome to the Hotel Mario.
Such a fun place, unexpectedly ace.
Close all the doors at the Hotel Mario.
What a nice surprise for your CDi’s.

I was stopped in my tracks by
A world covered in ice.
Losing life after life to the creatures
With shells all covered in spikes.

And in the boss’s chamber
My enjoyment further decreased.
I closed all the doors, shot him with fireballs,
But I just couldn’t slay the beast.

Then the worst of them all came:
I reached a palace in the clouds
With elevators sending me up

That should have logically sent me down.
‘No more!’ I said out loud,
My expression woebegone,
‘I’d rather be playing Faces of Evil
Or Wand of Gamelon!’

Welcome to the Hotel Mario.
A rotten place to dwell, frustrating as hell.
If you beat World Four on Hotel Mario
I tip my hat to thee: you have more patience than me!

The Regional Exclusive Mage is an avid video-game collector and literature enthusiast. When he isn’t educating the younger generation, he can be found sharing a wealth of obscure gaming knowledge as TeacherBloke85 on Twitter.

Wahoo! You are a Super Reader! But the adventure doesn’t stop here… There’s more of this project in another castle! This article is just one level in an entire Super Mario Multiverse, a galactic collaboration between writers around the world sharing a bit of our hearts and memories about our favorite Mario games. Visit the Center of the Multiverse to see more: