“Red’s Top 7 Raddest E3 2019 Moments!”

“You’re breath taking [sp?]!”

-that guy

E3 2019 is over! I guess? I dunno, it’s kind of hard to tell when you watch everything out of order like I do. Before the shimmer and sparkle of the powerfully wealthy entertainment industry fade from our eyes, here are my top 7 raddest (most rad) moments from gaming’s week-long commercial!

#7. Keanu Reeves showing more emotion than he’s ever shown in any of his movies

Who knew that Keanu could act? Apparently, John Wick has been the revisionist to recreate his public image as an actor, but I saw what happened at the Xbox conference, in which Keanu was absolutely the highlight. I can barely remember what he looked like in the game but what a crack up to see this full-grown immortal giddily struggling through his teleprompter like a gamer at E3. Oh yeah, and I think he was in a game or somethin’.

#6. Collection of Mana from Heaven

This is kind of one of those announcements that felt surreal to me. The thought of a Mana collection on Switch is like a pipe dream for some folks. Sure, it’s only three games (and I did just played Secret into critical oblivion recently), but I think that’s a pretty cool announcement and it caught me by surprise. It was maybe the most surprising thing at E3 for me.

#5. Link’s Reawakening

The only downside to this is that now when I say Link’s Awakening is my favorite Zelda, people are going to think I’m a sellout. Well, guess what? I liked the original GB game before it was cool, ok? “But Red, you can’t get any more hipster than that!” to which I say “Hold my original Game Boy steel case edition, since it’s only available in stupid EU anyways.” I can’t wait to play this in a few short-long months.

#4. Forgotten Console Miniatures

“Don’t pretend like you recognize any of these antiques and their im-pronounceable names, you charlatan!” I’m sure many pearls were clutched by many a hairy dad, but honestly, I love the minis that I have (NES, SNES, and soon to be Sega Genesis; not the PS1) so more to come is a good thing. One of my exact passions is exploring gaming history and discovering new games I had never heard of before, and that’s exactly what will happen when I boot up my Korey Grafks mini. I wonder if it’ll play my Dark Side of the Moon vinyl?

#3. The Emo One gets a remaster

This one made me say “finally” aloud, to no one in particular. It may not be my favorite Final Fantasy, because I never worked at a Hot Topic, but I’m happy for its fans. Genuinely! It’s all facetiously written! I swear! Don’t at me! (Did you know facetiously is the only English word to include all vowels plus “y” in order?) FF8R (or FF8r, I guess, little case since it’s a remaster not a remake) was long overdue and finally there will be a whole new way for you to not play it and claim it’s the worst JRPG ever made, perfect on the Nintendo Switch! But seriously, I’ll be playing it.

#2. Final Fantasy VII Remake: Episode 1 – Midgar Prologue, Forward; Prelude/Introduction #00.0 (Limit Break Edition) with special Cloud-on-Harley-Davidson doll

Square played catch up after their dismal showing last year and since there was no Sony at this E3, apparently they had something to showcase! We got to see how Nomura designed Sora’s wardrobe after his own, the longest first boss ever in recorded history, and (disappointingly) suffered the suggestion that the Final Fantasy VII Remake is really just a remake of, like, the first 10% of the game. Just what we needed in the modern gaming industry: more bloated games!

At least the fans got the opportunity at last to argue about Tifa’s measurements. Whether you’re a beefa Tifa or an oppaifu zealot (yes, I seriously regret accidentally learning the word “oppaifu”), it’s clear that Square just had to toss fans a few pearls. (Yes, that’s two “pearls” idioms in one brief article.) Oh and no I will not be spending over $300 for a Cloud on a bike action figure.

#1. Breath of the Sequel

So… you might recall that I called Breath of the Wild a masterpiece several times. I did. It’s true. Well, someone spoiled the reveal of BOTW 2 for me before I got to see the actual Direct, but even then, they don’t show you much. You get to see Zelda and Zelda in a dungeon of some kind until they bump into the Cryptkeeper from Tales From The Crypt: Death of the Wild 2, and that’s it. Clearly, I wouldn’t be drooling if I wasn’t a proselyte scrambling to correct my interpretation of the Zelda timeline at this point.

However, never judge a game by its one-minute and forty-five-second teaser trailer. Take that as a pearl of wisdom. (I wonder how many of you immediately went to YouTube to look up that teaser trailer’s actual runtime…)

#0. Not having to deal with smug Sony fans

Just kidding. We’ll just have to hear about the polished, high definition, triple-A torture sims next year.

So what were your favorite moments and/or announcements from E3 2019? If you’ve got exactly 7 of them (and a zeroth one), then you’re the raddest.

Red formerly ran The Well-Red Mage and now serves The Pixels as founder, writer, editor, and podcaster. He has undertaken a seemingly endless crusade to talk about the games themselves in the midst of a culture obsessed with the latest controversy, scandal, and news cycle about harassment, toxicity, and negativity. Pick out his feathered cap on Twitter @thewellredmage, Mage Cast, or Story Mode.