“Seven stupid E3 predictions that will definitely never happen in this timeline”

Teach a man to fish and he’ll have learned how to fish.

Teach a man to wish and he’ll never be satisfied.

-ME

It’s that awkward time of year again when E3 and its showcases are just around the corner, about to drop trailers for projects that have already been spoiled for us thanks to DarkBooty69 and his stupid popular Reddit thread. Bingo charts will be crossed, whines will be whuned, hurrahs will be hurraded, journalists will soapbox while consumers exult, and companies will be applauded or lambasted accordingly. The outrage machine thirsts, you must construct additional pylons.

There’s nothing quite like the scale and scope of E3, so whether you’re looking for Nintendo to patronize you like you’re four, Microsoft to wow you with their on-stage car show, or Sony to tickle your eardrums with their pretentious symphony orchestra and didgeridoos, here’s to the fun of it all and poking fun at it all, all in good fun! (I have been accused of being jealous of what’s essentially a huge floorshow, so I’m just covering my bases here.)

Speaking of jelly, I did get a little envious of all the great E3 prediction articles out there. I especially enjoyed one from my good friend and digital patriarch, 16-Bit Dad, where he postulated against hope for a Legend of Dragoon remake and a sequel to Final Fantasy Tactics! Just call me the Green-Eyed Mage (c).

So I decided to make my own list!

Except… since I’m not the best example of someone who stays on top of the cutting edge news and hangs on every reveal (I’m not that kind of games journalist), I didn’t feel right doing a predictions list. Instead, I came up with some stupid predictions! Here are seven things you most certainly will not see this E3, not in this corner of the multiverse at least. No money back guarantee.

The Xbox 1-2 X by Tesla

An electric, self-driving car/console hybrid where you can play any number of a lack of exclusives in perfect comfort while the vehicle does all the traffic-navigating for you. The car is required for the sheer size of the Xbox 1-2 X, which will occupy the entire backseat, trunk, overhead compartments, glove box, that little space between your seat and the center cupholder unit where if you drop a pen in between there you can’t fish it out with your fingers (you know the spot), the dashboard, the stereo deck, and of course, under the hood.

This console is going to be so powerful that it can operate a car and play battle royale at 4-billion FPS, though its girthiness is an indicator that Microsoft is interested in bringing back room-sized computers. Look for the Xbox 1-2 X car/console hybrid to be unveiled on stage in front of a live audience of people who did not come to see a car unveiled.

The Sony PSVR Pain Simulator

From headsets to booty shorts to little slippers you can duff around in to get that full “trying not to bump into anything in your tiny living room space while imagining you’re in a massive poorly rendered and jittery virtual reality environment” experience, we’ve seen it all with PSVR. Well, not really. But this will make owning that clunky VR headset worth it after its fiftieth iteration since the 1980s! Introducing, Sony’s PSVR Pain Simulator.

Let’s face it, excruciating agony and crushing inflammation, pain… it is the one difference between real life and virtual reality. Sony bringing real physical harm to their games will not only make them more realistic and bridge that gap, but it will ultimately and finally prove once and for all that games are a legitimate art form for mature, responsible adults.

Can’t wait for The Last of Us PSVR Pain Simulator remaster!

Earthworm Jim for Smash Bros. Switch

Okay, so this is one that I actually want. I’m not kidding. It would be super groovy. However, I think the odds are less than if a super suit were to randomly fall out of space and land on me, transforming me into an ultra-powerful invertebrate superhero. Knowing Nintendo, they’ve already burned this bridge a long time ago.

Sega Saturn Remastered

Another one I actually want but Sega doesn’t, apparently. They seem more interested in re-re-re-re-releasing the same old Genesis “classics” again and again and again across every platform you can imagine. Sega Ages sounds sweet and all but I already own those games by buying a few Sega collections. So how about giving that “jump the gun” 3D console a chance to see the light again, Sega? Saturn is still a planet, unless they’ve retconned that one, too…

The Legend of Zelda Complete Collection

If there’s anyone out there that’s the champ at stupidly and haphazardly re-releasing and repackaging their past content, it’s Nintendo, the company that has your childhood held hostage. Nintendo manages to maintain its impregnable (literally and figuratively) fanbase by giving them appetizers without ever serving the full-course meal. How about instead of giving us the “perk” of repurchasing the NES Zeldas again through their dirt cheap online service thing that’s on the way, they just dump all the Zelda games on one sewage-flavored cartridge (with the last twenty games as digital downloads)? At least then you’ll have all the Zeldas in one place. Heck, even throw in the CD-i games! Nothing says “PlayStation exists” louder than The Wand of Gamelon.

The Well-Red Mage Amiibo

This leaked image proves that Nintendo knows I exist. Why else would they clad their flagship character in my copyrighted colors? A true Well-Red Mage amiibo could do all sorts of amazingly mediocre things: you get to wear the hat when karting, it’ll cure a single heart, it’ll give you one gold coin, it’ll let you shoot red ink when you scan it. This is really a missed opportunity, Nintendo. Your brand color is RED!

The last generation of home consoles

Now hang on before you start heating up my comments section. Think about what would happen if the gaming industry stopped at this generation of consoles? Make a few more games, then call it quits… you’d be able to catch up on the millions of games in your backlog. People would be able to explore backward through gaming history. The summer sales would finally give you games you’d actually play, believe it or not. Steam users could take their percentage of games played and raise that up a few digits. Shelves would finally find purpose in this world. Everything would be retro. New experiences galore would be available to you without the hype and crushing disappointment immediately thereafter. PC gaming could limp on, I suppose, with the few last stragglers making indie visual novels for that “morally reprehensible” Steam, though there won’t be any more games journalists to shake their fingers at them, anyway.

At least end on a high note before the Atari VCS drops and crashes the industry. Besides, where do you go from here? We already have movies…

In all seriousness, I just want Cuphead for Nintendo Switch. That’s all. Hang everything else. But first, don’t forget to tell me your stupid E3 non-prediction!

Red formerly ran The Well-Red Mage and now serves The Pixels as founder, writer, editor, and podcaster. He has undertaken a seemingly endless crusade to talk about the games themselves in the midst of a culture obsessed with the latest controversy, scandal, and news cycle about harassment, toxicity, and negativity. Pick out his feathered cap on Twitter @thewellredmage, Mage Cast, or Story Mode.