"A Review of the Reviewers of the Nintendo Switch"
4 min read
Rage Mage Reviews!
So a tiny paper weight from a 3rd-world country video game company was recently released and it set the internet on fire like so much dog crap in a big, runny paper bag. Ladies and leotards: the Nintendo Switch, a device so inflammatory it summoned the shock jocks and mouth-breathers from the dark recesses of their dimly lit parents’ basements to spew their bile and record close-ups of their in-grown hairs. The Switch, if you forgot to have your mom pay your internet bill, is the lovechild of John Podesta and Anthony Weiner, in other words, it’s a home system and a handheld, or as I prefer: a homewreck and a port-a-potty. For some reason, this is exactly what a world of over-privileged whiners needed for a punching bag.
Launched from the sweaty, obsolete gullet of Nintendo, critics are wild for the Switch. And by wild I mean they’ve regressed in their “reviews” to unintelligible pre-human pig-noises such as the ancestors of the noble Proboscis Monkey made, saturating the so-called information age with so much of their Precambrian presence. Witness the irrelevant mewling of this modern brand of ego-bloated gaming journalism, now become as self-important as a sentient bowl of lukewarm guacamole.
I’ll bet you can’t wait to watch coverage of gaunt, turquoise-haired meat-satchels running their greasy, skeletal fingers all over the Nintendo Switch, drawling on and on about how this new console is D.O.A. So I’ve gathered a selection of their tech reviews conveniently all in one place for you under-achievers.
Of the Switch, dookie2988 from CNET drooled: “I really hate that kickstand. I haven’t tried turning it on cuz I can’t get past that kickstand. Look, how flimsy the Switch is! If you push it over, it will have had fallen over.”
Sam Manela of Eurogamer USA writes: “Nintendo is doomed!! Unless they figure out how to feature the next Call of Duty and Grand Theft Auto then there’s no reason to switch to their newest system. See? I’m a Shakespearean writer for making a pun using the word switch. You haven’t seen anyone else do that!”
Hobbe Livious of Foodie Game Reviews snarled: “Is the entire console a very expensive piece of conceptual art? Is the shapeless, structureless UI that droops and slumps and collapses while you use it supposed to be an interface or the experience of going insane? Why do the cartridges taste like fish?”
Fanny I. Openner of Goner EA News uttered, “Remember the NES Classic? Exactly.”
The Game Theorizers reported: “Typical flimsy hardware from Nintendo… I dropped it from the height of my high horse and now it doesn’t work!”
“Breath of the Wild? Ew. Zelda hasn’t been cool since 1986!” -Shigeru Miyamoto
Bleu Aut Flemming from IGN France: “Oh it’s worse than the Virtual Boy… I give it a 9/10.”
George Mucas of Real Historians R Us said: “I feel like I’m being colonized.”
Ruddy Poupon of Swank Magazine mewled: “Unless Nintendo can win me over with free online services, backward compatibility all the way back to the Magnavox Odyssey, a welfare system, a free puppy named Geshtapo, a cure for genital cancer, games that actually appeal to mature adults, and they start treating gamers like intelligent people, like the free-thinking spirits that we are, then I’m just going to vote with my dollar… 4k gaming, baybeee! Pew pew headshot!”
“The Nintendo Switch reportedly has record-breaking sales but how do we know Russia wasn’t involved?” -Jill Stein (before fleeing the country)
“We don’t do video games,” said Rotten Tomatoes.
The President of Sony tweeted: “It’s not enough like PlayStation!! Zelda imma let you finish… but Horizon Zero Dawn has the best open-world of all time!! Of all time!!”
I tried to reach representatives from Xbox for a comment, but apparently none of them have learned how to use words yet. However I did manage to snag a photograph of their secret Xbox Mini handheld set to hit the market in 2018 to compete with the Switch:
For more biased info on the Switch and the downfall of journalistic integrity, see the following:
#fakenews
Now you’re playing with drunk on power
Putin’s favorite
Gaming news for weeaboos
“They finally made a controller small enough for POTUS’s hands.”
“We’re so meta for using the word meta…”
*pretentious harararrumphing*
“I wish that I could be like the cool kids…”
The textual equivalent of waterboarding
and…
Charisma of a cult leader
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This is exactly why I prefer “smaller” blog reviews, because mainstream review sites are a stream of that dog poop the Rage Mage was…running on about. Every time a company does ANYTHING, the plebeians will find cause to bitch, and it’s all so freaking shallow. “It looks like a puppy. How juvenile!” This isn’t to say that critique isn’t necessary (we had an astounding and amazing conversation about that), but they’re not critiquing anything; they’re just complaining for the sake of complaint. I’ve arguably been doing that with Squeenix, but I’d like to think I’ve played their games long enough and have enough insight to have an informed opinion, though I did feel like i was slipping into the “Ugh, what are they doing now” camp, and I want to hit reset (so many puns…) as it were and approach things with a fresh mind.
Hohoho! I’m glad you saw through the (for lack of a better word) ragey-ness to the heart of his message. A lot of the modern journalism deserves to be called out, yeah for doing stuff as stupid as posting reviews about an entire game based on an hour of gameplay. That’s click-baiting, not integrity. I’ve heard a lot of complaining about the Switch and a lot of it was so unfounded. A lot of it was just dooming and glooming on Nintendo before the thing was even released! Approaching things with a fresh mind is a virtue I’d like to inspire as well, madam. I’m delighted that word of mouth has shifted in almost entirely the other direction.
Oh I know the Rage Mage is a great deal of tongue-in-cheek (except about that McDonald’s game. The rage was righteous and valid)!
I can’t really call out the doom and gloomers because I’ve been doing the same thing with Squeenix for years, but then again maybe I can? I was completely mesmerized by the Switch when I first saw the commercial, and despite the trepidation, it just looked like a good system. I also think that a system is a bit different from a franchise because it’s not just one series or idea, and there are loads of chances for it to be successful (of course I could also just be covering for my glorious narcissistic self lol). Even though the Wii U had its problems, the Switch looks and is so far promising. I’m going off a lot of what I’ve been hearing obviously since I don’t have one, but it seems really ridiculous to condemn an entire system when it’s been out for less than a month.
I think one of the issues is people can’t see things more than one way (which we know is problematic because only a Sith deals in absolutes *waves geek flag*). It’s either good or bad, and they don’t bother to differentiate what’s truly good AND bad about them.
One of the things I’m trying to do and honestly your blog and others have helped me tremendously with this is to not give into the hearsay and form my own opinion. I realized a lot of my issues with Squeenix, while valid, were not complete. I’ve played XII, but not XIII and not XV yet. The one thing I can say about Final Fantasy is how versatile it is, even as it has some very tried and true methods. There are people who love VIII and people who dislike it, but the people who dislike it whom I respect have reasons. It goes back to the idea that you can not like/prefer something, but still see its value for others (e.g. FPS shooters and me), but speaking about the click-bait reviews, they often try to be as inflammatory as possible, which imo is almost troll like (if they’re being negative), which is just going to draw more trolls interested in bashing something as opposed to critiquing it for what it is.
I completely agree that the coverage of the Switch has been borderline obscene, IGN did a pre-review review for christ’s sake! But when all is said and done, where do you stand on the Switch?
Yeeeah… IGN. I guess in a lot of ways it’s become the cool thing to crap on Nintendo. Some of the so-called coverage I’ve seen lately, especially before the Switch launched, was laughable. People predicting the collapse of the company based on scant info prior to launch was just silly. Personally I’m enjoying the Switch a lot. The most aggravating thing about it is the poor wireless signals of the Joy-Cons but everything else about it is wonderful! I love it’s size and speed and Breath of the Wild has been a dream! Have you a Switch yourself?
I wish! It was a painful choice but I decided to wait for a couple of months before I get one because I’m going travelling. I keep telling myself that when I get back they will have (hopefully) sorted any kinks and will have a much better library so its not a bad idea but my pathological need to play Zelda says otherwise!
Well I think you did the wise thing. I’m coming up on exhausting what Breath of the Wild has to offer, and I went on the Nintendo eShop today and it’s still pretty sparse. Waiting till there’s better games, if you can hold out on Zelda, seems like a good choice. But I will say that Breath of the Wild is everything you want it to be.
“That moment when you realize you’re a solipsist” hahahaha
Hey thanks for laughing at our solipsist joke! No sure how many people were going to get that one. Or maybe there are no other people to “get” it at all…
Every move Nintendo makes dooms them to failure, apparently. They should have flopped years ago and I’m surprised I’m not playing Mario on my Xbox One… NOT! The angry troll mob that lives in the depths of the internet will always attack everything. Also, bribed critics be damned! I trust the opinions of the awesome blogger folks around WordPress more than these “professionals” anyway. The only thing that truly matters in the end is my feelings on a game, console, media item, fandom, etc. 🙂 Loved the rant!
It’s typical hyperbolic raging from our resident Rage Mage but I hope some of his prodding sinks in. I think a fundamental problem with gaming journalism is it blurs the lines between informing you and selling you the product. A lot of professional game reviews read like commercials. I’m happy we see eye to eye on this! #wearethefuture