“Rage Mage Assemble!”

  Rage Mage Reviews

This rage-post is just one sentence long… because, as all you bottom-feeding, basement-dwelling, like-fishing bloggers know, the gleeking leeches at Square Enix thought it was okay to get the entire gaming community all up in a sweaty hissy-fit of excitement for what turned out to be the ultimate example of lameness: that they’re going to be making a dead-horse-kicking Avengers-themed game, probably in the vein of the Lego games, because let’s just come right out and say it: nothing is more appropriate for the plastic Marvel brand than getting the shameless, angsty, pandering treatment from the same company that pinched off Final Fantasy XV in all of its fetch-questing, female-objectifying, open world, chit-chatty, hairspray anti-glory, and after all, the cast of FFXV with monotone Noctis, dude-bro Gladio, anime-cliché Ignis, and professional whiner baby Prompto are the perfect archetypes for the whitewashed, mansplaining derpsters crowding Marvel’s list of C-tier, minority-pleasing, DC rip offs and nobodies that an entire world of jobless liberal art students and duckface selfie-ing preteens coo over like cheap sausages at an underage, non-alcoholic Octoberfest, which is yet another case of Marvel studios trying to pass off regurgitated pre-diahrrea sieved through a dirty catheter as “entertainment”, but in the end it doesn’t really surprise me that Square Enix would dump all the franchises beloved by single men in their 30’s like Final Fantasy and Kingdom Hearts for development, which, notwithstanding (who says “notwithstanding” except for the bloggers I’m ironically both making fun of and addressing?), which really ruffles the ingrown hairs of a man like myself who has become more powerful feeding off the energies of pissed-off-ness surging in the name of resistance to a hairy bowl of over-ripe citrus fruit elected as president who they claim will destroy America even as they go out and actually destroy America by stopping people from getting to work on time, punching homeless men in the nuts, smashing the windows of businesses that donated cash to Clinton (so she could have enough filthy lucre for her lifelong dream of diving headlong like a rictus-grinning, irrelevant android into her money vault), burning cars, and harboring Shia Lebeouf, although it should be said that in the end what is really destroying America is lame, shortsighted, superficial, nonsense-announcements like the one Square Enix inflicted upon the world today, ’cause yeah, partnering with Marvel is really something the world needs: bland, formulaic cash-cows that nobody asked for except your drunk uncle who said he read Doc Strange in the 80’s on LSD, but still at least this way SE can retell all of the classic Marvel stories like… uh… hm… well, anyway… this is the polar opposite of what we needed to hear, which could’ve been something like an announcement regarding a game under development for Nintendo’s latest embarrassment-equivalent to having your pants pulled down by a bully (Microsoft) and being laughed at by your kid brother (Sony): the Switch. Turns out this post is more than one sentence long and this is what disappointment feels like.

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